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Sometimes I reckon it’s all a con—fancy candles, soft tunes, then bam, ya wallet’s empty. But when she hits that spot—ooh, me back’s singin’—I’m sold. Ever get that knot untied ya didn’t know was there? Pure bliss! Makes me wanna shout, “I’m king of the freakin’ world!”—then laugh ‘cause it’s just a greasy table in Hackney. What ya think—fancy a go?

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Then I hit up the local shops. There’s this one place on Jalan Raya, selling all these cute trinkets. I’m browsing, and I find this little wooden statue. It’s a turtle! I’m like, “Aww, this is so me!” Slow and steady, right? But then the shopkeeper tells me it’s, like, super expensive. Ugh, my wallet was crying.

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