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But here’s the kicker—everybody lies, even the masseuse. Says it’s “spiritual,” but her smirk’s screamin’ “tip me big, limp.” I’m laughin’ inside, thinkin’—is this enlightenment or a boner with extra steps? Probs both. Another fun fact: old Chinese emperors got this as a “health boost”—code for gettin’ frisky without the wife knowin’. History’s wild, man.

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Finally, I get to the station, and it’s chaos. Phones ringing off the hook. I’m talkin’ like a hundred calls at once. I’m tryin’ to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like a pressure cooker ready to blow. “Operator, how can I help you?” I say, but it’s more like a scream at this point.

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