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I tried it once—fantastic, best experience, I’m tellin’ ya. This chick, total pro, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m like, “Wow, this is tremendous!” Made me happy—yuge happiness, folks. But then—get this—she’s talkin’ too much, askin’ questions, and I’m like, “Shut up, I’m the star here!” Got me angry, ok? Angry! I’m payin’ for silence and sexy vibes, not chatter. “We don’t need reasons,” like in *Melancholia*—just do it, right?

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But then, the mood shifts. Man Utd equalizes, and the whole place goes silent. I’m just sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is why I don’t bet on footie.” But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s a notification from my betting app. “Lucky Leprechaun wins!” I’m like, “What the actual…?” Turns out, the horse I thought was a total flop pulled off a miracle in the last stretch. I’m jumpin’ up and down, and everyone’s lookin’ at me like I’m mad.

Ballincollig in Cork named Ireland's Tidiest Town for 2024