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Here’s the deal tho – it’s risky, shady as hell. You gotta watch your back, like Ivan in *The Return* dodgin’ danger. “Where are we going?” he asks – same damn question I got cruisin’ these streets. One time, I saw a dude get rolled, wallet gone in 2 seconds flat – hilarious if it ain’t you, pathetic if it is. Pro tip: cash only, no cards, dummy.

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After that, I decide to grab a coffee at the local café on the Greenhills Road. Best decision ever! The barista, a lovely gal named Aoife, makes the best flat white. I’m sipping my coffee, feeling all philosophical, when I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going on about the best chipper in Clondalkin. Like, seriously? It’s gotta be the one on the Old Nangor Road, right? But they’re all like, “Nah, it’s the one near the library.” I’m just sitting there, thinking, “Y’all need to chill. It’s just chips!”

Death Notice of Marian Nolan (née Connolly) (Clondalkin, Dublin)