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It’s a laugh, though. Mate of mine swiped a granny – 68, lookin’ for “fun”. He shat himself! “What’s happenin’ here?!” he screamed, like Majid in the film, losin’ it. Sex-dating’s wild – you never know who’s next. Could be a stunner, could be a nutter. Either way, I’m yellin’, “Get your shit together!” ‘Cos if you’re fuckin’ about, you’re missin’ the point. It’s raw, messy, and bloody brilliant – when it’s not a total cock-up.

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Later, I’m back at it, sharpening a set of garden shears. This lady comes up, all frantic. “My hedges are outta control!” she says. I’m like, “Lady, it’s not my fault your garden looks like a jungle!” But I sharpen ‘em up, and she’s so happy. She gives me a tip! I’m like, “Wow, I’m rich!”

Clonmel Hockey Club needs a new pitch