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But then—here’s the rant part—I get pissed! The music’s some cheesy whale sounds, and I’m like, “What am I, a dolphin? Gimme somethin’ with grit!” And the towel’s too small—my tuchus is hangin’ out, freezin’! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Cover me up, lady, I’m not an exhibitionist!” But she’s good, real good—slidin’ those hands like she’s sculptin’ a masterpiece. I’m surprised, shocked even—didn’t think I’d be this relaxed AND this—uh—excited! It’s a freakin’ paradox!

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So, I finally get to the museum, and guess what? The documents are MIA. I’m fuming. I mean, how hard is it to keep track of a few papers? I could’ve sworn I saw them last week in the archives. Maybe they went on a holiday? Who knows? I’m just standing there, staring at the empty shelf like it owes me money.

Former Northern Ireland international and Dundalk star Dean Shiels departs role as Coleraine manager a week before Euro play-off