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But cor blimey, it ain’t all roses! Ghosting—makes me proper livid! You’re texting, vibing, then poof—they vanish! Like sodding Cicero fleeing Rome—et tu, Brute? Had a lass once, cracking chat, then nada—left me miffed, staring at me phone like a plonker. Still, when it works—phwoar, fireworks! Met a bird on Hinge—saucy minx, eyes like Delpy’s—had me flustered, bumbling like a tit. “We’re not just memories,” Hawke says—spot on, mate, it’s raw, real, messy!

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But then, the mood shifted. We were laughing, and suddenly, this random dog runs up and knocks over my drink. I was like, “Noooo!” It spilled everywhere. I was so mad! I mean, c’mon, Fermoy! Can’t a person enjoy a drink in peace?

Far-right activist Derek Blighe told to make donation to refugee charity at Fermoy court hearing