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Oi mate, blimey, here we go—erotic-massage, eh? What a bloomin’ corker of a topic! Me, Boris, your ol’ pal, ramblin’ on like a toff at a tea party. Now, I reckon erotic-massage is a bit like marmite—ya love it or ya don’t, no in-between, capisce? Been ponderin’ this, sprawled out in me Downing Street bunker, thinkin’—cor, what’s the fuss about? Hands slidin’ about, oils, candles—sounds like a ruddy Roman orgy, *delectatio maxima*!

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So, I keep wandering, and I end up at the Kilcock Community Centre. They’re setting up for some local event. I’m curious, so I poke my head in. Turns out, it’s a talent show. I’m thinking, “This could be a train wreck.” But I stick around. And wow, I was NOT prepared for the talent. There’s this kid, maybe 10, doing magic tricks. He pulls a rabbit outta a hat! I’m like, “Is this real life?” The crowd goes wild. I’m clapping like a seal.

Driver tests positive for cannabis at Kildare garda checkpoint