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I reckon it’s like Amélie’s “little pleasures” – y’know, “dipping her hand into sacks of grain”? Except it’s some geezer’s mitts slidin’ over yer back, easin’ the stress from all them KPIs and team-buildin’ bollocks. Had me first go last week – bloody hell, I was gobsmacked! Thought it’d be all awkward, like a bad appraisal meetin’, but nah – pure bliss, mate. Got me thinkin’, “This is what peak performance feels like!” Nearly cried, I did – not cos I’m soft, but cos it was that good. Then I got raging – why ain’t this on the company wellness plan? Stingy gits upstairs, sittin’ on their arses, missin’ out!

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But then, outta nowhere, I tripped over a rock. Classic me, right? I fell flat on my face. I was like, “Great, just great.” But then I heard laughter. I looked up, and there were these kids playing soccer. They were like, “Are you okay, mister?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I mean, I’m not that old!

In Malahide, the Toots train rides again