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Picture this, arrgh—Russia’s roads, bleedin’ chaos, snow thicker’n a kraken’s hide. Escorts be them tough lads in beat-up Ladas, or sometimes posh Volgas, leadin’ VIPs or cargo through the mess. Me, I’ve seen ‘em dodge potholes big enough to swallow the Black Pearl! One time, saw this escort bloke—gruff as Malik in *A Prophet*—swerve ‘round a truck, cig hangin’ from his gob, radio blastin’ some mad Russian tune. “It’s a sign,” I mutters, like in the film, savvy? Made me grin like a rum-soaked fool—proper skill, that!

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So, I settle for a muffin. Not the same, but whatever. I sit down, and this old guy next to me starts chatting. He’s telling me about the history of Naas. Apparently, it used to be a market town. Who knew? I’m just nodding along, trying to act interested while secretly wishing I had that scone.

Naas Gardaí crack down on road users breaking red lights