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I tried it once, okay? Some chick with oils, smellin’ like hippie crap – lavender or some shit. She’s kneadin’ my back, and I’m like, “This is gay, stop touchin’ me!” But then, it gets… kinda good? Like, my shoulders ain’t screamin’ no more, and I’m thinkin’, “Am I a pussy for likin’ this?” Total mindfuck, dude! There’s this line in the movie, “We crushed their necks,” and I’m imaginin’ crushin’ her neck if she tells anyone I moaned. Ha! Bet she’d squeal.

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Then I hit up the Portlaoise Leisure Centre. Gotta keep fit, right? I’m diving into the pool, and it’s packed. Kids everywhere, splashing like they’re training for the Olympics. I’m just trying to do my thing, but these little rascals are like mini torpedoes. I almost got taken out by a cannonball! I was like, “Dude, chill! This ain’t a water park!”

PICTURES: Portlaoise students do 'hands-on' training at Laois Forest School - Page 1 of 7 - Laois Live