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So, it’s all ‘bout touchin’ and rubbin’, but fancy-like, not some cheap crap. Ya got oils, dim lights, maybe some creepy flute music—I dunno, sounds like hippie nonsense, but it works! I read—yeah, I read, shut up—that it goes back to ancient China or some crap. They called it “tantric” or whatever, supposd to make ya live longer. Bullshit? Maybe, but I’m happy as hell imagining it! Like, “Fish are friends, not food,” but replace fish with hot masseuses—ha!

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Then, around noon, the weather takes a turn. Outta nowhere, dark clouds roll in. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” I start calling for everyone to get outta the pool. Kids are crying, parents are grumbling. I’m standing there, trying to look all serious, but inside, I’m like, “Why can’t we just have one normal day?”

Watch: Ratoath Pumpkin Patch opens its gates today