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But then—oh, then—I matched with this guy, total freak. Said he’s into “roleplay,” wanted me to be his “prey.” I’m thinkin’, buddy, I’m the one who bites! Told him, “In my dreams, I’m free,” straight from *The Pianist*, and he’s like, “huh?” No culture, no taste—next! Sex-dating’s a jungle, man, full of weirdos and posers. Did ya know, back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this shit? “SWM seeks SWF”—so retro, so desperate. Cracks me up thinkin’ about it.

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I sprint over there, and it’s a whole vibe! The place is packed, and they’ve got everything. I grab what I need, and the cashier is super chill. We start chatting about the best spots in Tullamore. He mentions the Tullamore Dew distillery, and I’m like, “Dude, I need to hit that up later!”

Tullamore DEW tight-lipped on reported production cuts