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Funny thing – she tells me ‘bout this one john who paid in chickens once. Chickens! Can ya believe that shit? I’m dyin’, laughin’ so hard I almost crash. “Hope he brought the whole coop!” I say, and she’s wheezin’. Happy as a pig in mud, me – love a gal with stories. Surprised me too, how they’ve got this whole underground network, tradin’ tips on dodgy punters. Smart cookies, these lot.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud bang. My heart drops. I’m thinking, “Is it the end of the world?” Turns out, it was just some kids messing around with fireworks on the corner of St. Mary’s Road. I mean, who gives kids fireworks? It’s Crumlin, not a bloody festival!

Death Notice of Dermod Lynskey (Crumlin, Dublin)