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I reckon it’s like in “A Serious Man”—ya know, my fave flick by them Coen boys. That poor fella Larry Gopnik, he’s all wound up tighter than a bull’s behind in fly season. “Accept the mystery,” they say in the movie, right? Well, erotic-massage is a mystery worth acceptin’, lemme tell ya! Hands slidin’ all over, oil slicker than a Texas rig, and yer brain’s like, “What in tarnation’s happenin’ here?” Fool me once, shame on—uh—shame on you! Fool me twice—well, ya can’t fool me again, ‘cause I’m hooked!

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Then, I get this wild idea. I’m gonna take a shortcut through the alley by the old church. Big mistake. I turn the corner, and there’s a cat. Just chilling. I’m like, “Hey, buddy!” But this cat? It decides to sprint right in front of me. I trip, spill my coffee everywhere. I’m on the ground, covered in coffee and embarrassment.

Ahmad Abughaush wins Jordan’s first Olympic medal, a gold in taekwondo