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Oh, and once—ha!—this lady farted mid-massage. Hilarious! I laughed so hard, she got mad. Oops! “What voice speaks to me?” I mumbled, all dramatic, quotin’ Malick. She didn’t get it. Whatever, I’m Patrick, I laugh at farts! Anyway, erotic-massage—10 outta 10, buddy. Try it, but skip the sock-stink joints!

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Then, I see this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting match. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re in public!” But then, the guy pulls out a ring. He’s proposing! I’m like, “Wait, what?!” The girl goes from furious to shocked in a split second. She says yes, and everyone around starts clapping. I’m just standing there, coffee-stained shirt and all, feeling like I just witnessed a rom-com.

Arab man shot and killed in north, community’s 11th murder this week