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Quirky bit – I’m humming “Freelove Freeway” while she’s at it, picturing meself as a tantric guru. Exaggerate? Alright, felt like I levitated off the table, swear down! Sexual-massage, mate – it’s the dog’s bollocks. Reckon I’ll book another, tell the lads it’s “strategic relaxation.” Classic Brent – turning a knead into a bleedin’ seminar! You tried it? Get on it, pal – “You’re free now,” trust me!

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Then, we hit the 5th floor, and he’s like, “Wait, I forgot my drink!” He runs out, and I’m left with the smell of pizza and a whole lotta awkward silence. I’m just standing there, thinking about how I should’ve had breakfast.

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