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So, I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage’s got history, right? Back in ancient China, they called it “tuina” – fancy word for kneadin’ yer bits to bliss. Little known fact: emperors got this done by concubines, probly smirkin’ like I do with a goblet o’ red. Makes me happy, that – power in a rubdown! But what pisses me off? Them prudes who scoff at it. “Oh, it’s improper!” Sod off, ya stiff-necked twats – it’s relief with a wink!

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After that, I decided to hit the beach. You know, the one by the Coral Beach Nature Reserve? It’s stunning! The water is so clear, you can see the fish swimming around like they own the place. I’m chilling, soaking up the sun, and then I see this guy trying to impress his date. He’s showing off his snorkeling skills, but he’s flailing like a fish outta water. I’m dying laughing. Like, bro, chill!

Stars line up for Eilat's Red Sea guitar festival