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So, I tried it, right? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—same crap, differnt app. This chick says, “Lookin’ for somethin’ casual,” and I’m like, cool, me too! Next thing, she’s textin’ me at 3 a.m., “Where’s this goin’?” Goin’? It’s goin’ nowhere, sweetheart, it’s sex-dating! Made me wanna scream, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone!”—straight outta Oldboy. People lie bout what they want, and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just say, “Yo, I wanna bang, no strings”? Nope, gotta play games.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my cousin from Tel Aviv. He’s like, “You won’t believe what happened!” I’m thinkin’, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a brisket crisis here!” But he goes on about some wild party on Ben Gurion St. I’m like, “Yeah, sounds fun, but I’m stuck here with meat!”

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