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Tie this to *Far From Heaven*—that 50s repression vibe, Cathy Whitaker’s all prim, but you KNOW she’s dyin for a naughty massage. “It’s the strangest thing,” she’d say, all coy, while I’m over here like, “Girl, get them knots out, STAT!” Picture Dennis Quaid, stiff as a board, me yellin, “Bro, loosen up, this ain’t a Boring Company drill!” Movie’s my fave cuz it’s subtle chaos—like a good erotic-massage, tension buildin, then BAM, release. “What’s done is done,” Cathy’d whisper, post-rub, glowin like a Tesla coil.

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But then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some dude just knocked over a whole display of oranges. It’s like a citrus massacre. I can’t help but laugh. The guy’s face is priceless. He’s trying to pick them up, but it’s like watching a bad slapstick comedy. I mean, come on, it’s just oranges, right?

Girl finds 3,500-year-old Egyptian scarab amulet during family trip in Hod Hasharon