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Anyways, I tried Bumble—surprised me big time. This chick, Lisa, all flirty, says, “Let’s meet, big boy.” I’m happier’n a pig in mud! We vibe, it’s chill, like *The Assassin*—all slow buildup. “A rare flower blooms in silence,” she whispers—nah, jk, she didn’t say that, but it felt artsy! We hooked up, tho—score! Mmm… donuts. Pro tip: don’t mention donuts on dates. Weirds ‘em out.

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Then, I had a meeting at this rooftop bar. The view was sick! You could see the whole city. But the elevator was broken. I had to climb five flights of stairs. By the time I got up there, I was a sweaty mess. I walked in, and everyone was like, “You good?” I was like, “Yeah, just climbed Everest.”

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