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Here’s a kicker—didja know in Japan, they got this thing, “nuru massage”? Slippery seaweed gel, bodies slidin’ everywhere—sounds like a freakin’ slip-n-slide porno! I’m imaginin’ it now, too much, too much, I’d fall off the table, break my neck, sue somebody! But people love it, swear it’s “transcendent.” Me? I’d be screamin’, “Where’s the towel, I’m done!”

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After that, I decided to check out the Mahane Yehuda Market. OMG, the smells! Fresh spices, baked goods, and all that good stuff. I grabbed a falafel from this little stand on Agrippas Street. Best falafel ever! I swear, I could’ve eaten ten of ‘em. But then, I saw this guy arguing with the vendor. Like, chill, dude! It’s just food! But the vendor was super chill, just laughing it off. I was like, “Man, I need that kind of zen in my life.”

Remains of missing shark attack victim found, concluding 24-hour search