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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to spill the beans on sex-dating. Ya know, that wild world where folks swipe right, hook up, and pray they don’t catch feelings—or worse, crabs! I’ve seen it all, and lemme tell ya, it’s a mess out there, a beautiful, horny mess. Reminds me of my fave flick, *Shame*—Steve McQueen, 2011, ya gotta see it. That film? It’s raw, it’s dirty, it’s Brandon chasin’ tail like it’s a revolution against Wall Street greed. “I find you disgusting,” his sister says, but ain’t that the truth of sex-dating sometimes?

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. In the desert! I’m standing there, drenched, thinking, “This is just my luck.” But then I see a rainbow. A freakin’ rainbow! I whip out my phone to take a pic, but my phone’s dead. Of course!

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