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I tried it once, bruv—proper lush, got me feelin’ like WALL-E when he finds EVE, all “Ta-da!” and that. The lass was kneadin’ me shoulders, oil everywhere, I’m thinkin’, “Bruv, this is peng!” But then—get this—some dodgy geezer at a parlour tried chargin’ me double, sayin’ it’s “extra special.” Mate, I was fumin’—nearly sparked him out! “Directive?” I says, “Directive is you stop rinsin’ me wallet, ya mug!” Had to bounce quick, fam.

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But then, outta nowhere, one of the kids kicks the ball, and it comes straight for me! I duck, but it hits Avi right in the gut. He goes down like a sack of potatoes. I’m dying laughing, but he’s not amused. “Dude, I’m not cut out for this!” he groans.

Public transport fare reform won't improve public transport