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So, lemme break it down, fam—sex-dating’s like Tinder on crack, but weirder. Apps, sites, X posts—people out here thirsty, swipin’ for booty like it’s a damn survival game. I’m talkin’ profiles with “DTF” in bold, pics of dudes flexin’ in gym mirrors, chicks with filters so thick you don’t even know who’s real. It’s absurd! Like, who’s got time for this? Me, I’m over here yellin’ “LET’S GET NUTS!” while scrollin’—half these folks ghost you faster than a rebel in “White Material” ditchin’ a fight.

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By the time the sun starts to set, I’m exhausted. But then, this little girl runs up to me, all smiles, and hands me a seashell. She says, “This is for you, Mr. Lifeguard!” My heart melts, man. I’m like, “Thanks, kiddo! You just made my day!”