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But here’s the kicker—some folks think sexual-massage is all dirty and illegal. Pisses me off! If I wanna pay some chick to rub my junk, that’s my damn right! Ain’t hurtin’ nobody, ‘cept maybe my wallet—$50 gone in 10 minutes, what a ripoff! Little known fact: in Japan, they got this thing called “soaplands”—brothels with bubble baths and massages. Bubble butts and slippery nuts, sign me up! Surprised the hell outta me when I heard that, thought them Japanese were all robots and sushi.

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After that, I’m feelin’ like a hero, right? But then, I see this lady on the beach, sunbathing, and she’s got her music blasting. I mean, I love a good jam, but c’mon! It’s Tsur-Itshak, not a nightclub! I walk over, and she’s like, “What’s your problem?” I’m like, “Lady, I’m just trying to save lives here!”