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What pisses me off? The secrecy! I’m like, “Just tell me upfront, I’ll adjust the rate!” None of this sneakin’ around, droppin’ hints. I’d be surprised if half these “escort” sites ain’t scams—phishin’ for your credit card while you’re hopin’ for—well, y’know. I’d rather watch *Caché* again, tryin’ to figure out who’s screwin’ with who. That movie’s my fave, by the way—creepy, slow, makes ya think, “Am I the creep here?!” Perfect for a neurotic like me.

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Finally, I call my buddy Jake. He’s always got my back. He shows up with a slim jim, and we’re tryin’ to break into my own truck. It’s like a scene from a bad movie. We’re laughin’ so hard, I almost forget I’m soaked to the bone.