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Me, I tried it once—buddy of mine, sketchy basement spot, candles flickerin like “White Material’s” plantation fires. “Stay alive, whatever happens!”—that’s me, hopin I don’t pull a muscle. Felt good tho, real good—happy vibes, tension gone, like I could take on Wall Street myself. But then—surprise!—the guy charged me double. Greedy jerk! I was pissed, stompin out, thinkin, “Billionaires rigged this too!” Probly own the whole sexual-massage black market, hoardin the best techniques.

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First off, I hit up Main St. for coffee. You know, the usual spot, Java Jive. Best brews in Yirka, hands down. But guess what? They ran outta my fave blend. Like, are you kidding me? I’m standing there, all bleary-eyed, and the barista’s like, “Sorry, dude.” I’m like, “What do you mean sorry?!” I mean, c’mon, it’s Yirka! How do you run outta coffee?

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