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Hooked up once—girl was chill, smelled nice. Thought, “This is it, Chewie’s in!” Then she bailed mid-date—said I growled too much. Fair, I guess. Still, felt like *Timbuktu*’s “silent suffering”—all moody and shit. Sex-dating’s a gamble, fam. Sometimes you’re the cow, grazin’ free—other times, you’re meat. Oh, and don’t get me started on dick pics—every dude thinks he’s Picasso. Rarrgh! Trash.

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But then, there’s this one guy. He’s freaking out. I mean, I get it, but dude, chill! He’s pacing, sweating, and I’m just trying to keep it together. I’m thinking, “Why can’t everyone be like the lady?”