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Oh, and the oils – they’re key! Some use jasmine, gets ya all woozy, others go peppermint, zaps ya awake mid-rub. Ever spill that shit mixin’ a martini? Sticky disaster, mate – learned that the hard way! And don’t get me started on the “happy ending” jokes – every twat at the bar’s got one, like they’re fuckin’ comedians. “Yeah, mate, heard it, pour yer pint!”

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Then, around noon, the beach gets packed. I’m talkin’ shoulder-to-shoulder, like sardines in a can. I can’t even see the sand anymore! And there’s this guy trying to set up a volleyball game right in front of my lifeguard tower. I’m like, “Dude, really? You wanna play volleyball where I gotta keep an eye on the water?” But he just shrugs and starts spiking the ball.