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We shall fight the stiffness, lads! Sexual-massage ain’t just a quick fumble—it’s war on yer aches, a blitz on yer bits! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is livin’, this is art!”—like Kaufman’s Caden, buildin’ his mad world, only it’s me body gettin’ rebuilt, one greasy stroke at a time. “What is this?!” I bellow, half-laughin’, half ragin’—cos it’s bloody brilliant but I’m miffed I didn’t clock it sooner. Happy? Chuffed to bits! Angry? Only cos me missus never tried it!

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So, I start makin’ my famous cannoli. You know, the ones everyone in Belpasso raves about? I’m in the zone, and then my phone buzzes. It’s my cousin, Luca. He’s like, “Yo, you gotta come to the piazza!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m busy!” But he insists. “There’s a festival!”

Anis Amri, Suspect in the Berlin Truck Attack: What We Know (Published 2016)