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Oh, and the smells – oils, candles, ugh, chokin’ me! “I’m incognito,” says Lester Bangs in the flick, but no hidin’ from that pong! Makes me wanna claw me skin off. Funny tho, mate of mine tried it, said it was “spiritual” – bollocks, more like a fumble in the dark! We hates it, yesss, but it’s a laugh, innit? What ya reckon, precious? Stick to normal massages, or risk the naughty rub? Ha!

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After drying off, I decide to treat myself. I head to Piazza Vecchia. It’s stunning, even in the rain. I grab a slice of pizza from a street vendor. Best decision ever! I’m munching away, feeling like a king. But then, I see this guy trying to juggle. He’s awful! Like, balls flying everywhere. I can’t help but laugh.

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