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So, I was pokin around, found this crazy fact—didja know sex escortin’s been around since forever? Like, ancient Rome had “lupae”—she-wolves, how badass is that? Blows my mind! Makes me happy, thinkin how humans just… keep on truckin. But then—ugh, gets me mad too—some jerks treat em like dirt. Pisses me off! They’re people, not product, ya dingus!

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Finally, I get it free, and I’m feeling like a hero. I swim back up, and the crew’s cheering. I’m like, “Yeah, I saved the day!” But then, I look around, and I realize I’m the only one who’s not wearing a wetsuit. I’m in my board shorts, and everyone’s like, “Dude, you’re gonna freeze!” I’m like, “Nah, I’m tough!” But inside, I’m shivering.

Obituaries: R. Wayne Miller, Robert Kearnan, Raymond Covino, David Cardito, Richard Hedberg, Raymond Bergeron, Helen MoynihanPatricia Hinton