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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, badass stockbroker, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout Find a Prostitute—respect my authoritah! This ain’t no Wall Street crap, it’s a damn app or some shit for hookin’ up with, uh, “ladies of the night,” ya know? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout my fave movie, *The Diving Bell and Butterfly*—that artsy French dude stuck in his head, blinkin’ to live, “I am not resigned!”—and I’m like, how’s this tie to bangin’ prossies? Well, it does, so shut up!

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RCMP are reminding the public that Curtis Wayne Sagmoen — who has been convicted in three cases where the victims worked as escorts — lives in.

Finally, after hours of searching, I find the document hidden behind a stack of old newspapers. I’m like, “YES!” I feel like a hero. I bring it to my boss, and he’s all smiles. “Great job!” he says. I’m thinking, “Yeah, I’m the best.”

Obituary: Ellery ‘Ellie’ Dolan Curtis