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Favorite thing tho? When it works. You meet some carrot-top babe, sparks fly, and it’s all “I don’t want this to end,” like in *Amour*. But then there’s the flops—dudes sendin’ dick pics like it’s a resume. Pisses me off! Bro, nobody asked! Fun fact: 1 in 3 chicks get those unsolicited. Gross, right? Makes ya wanna thump ‘em with a mallet.

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Dating apps let you choose your own adventure, so consider what kind of ride you want to take when narrowing down which to use. If a traditional quickie will satisfy you, you may want to stick.

I’m about to step in and say somethin’ when one of ‘em shouts, “You think you own the river?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a real estate deal!” But they don’t hear me. They’re too busy puffin’ their chests. I just shake my head and head back to my spot.