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Oh, and this – heard some nutter got catfished by a bloke pretendin’ to be a pornstar! Showed up with roses, got a hairy arse in a wig instead! Laughed me tits off! Reckon it’s all a bit of a laugh, sex-dating – dirty, messy, fuckin’ brilliant. “Sharon!” – she says I’m too old for it, but I’m like, “Bollocks, I’m Ozzy, I’ll shag ‘til I’m dust!” What you reckon, mate? You swipin’ or what?

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Then, outta nowhere, this dude walks in. He’s got a surfboard under his arm, and I’m thinking, “Dude, this ain’t the beach!” But he’s all about that Forte-dei-Marmi life, you know? He starts chatting me up about the waves at the beach. I’m like, “Bro, I’m just trying to ring up your sunscreen.” But he’s super chill, and we end up talking about the best spots on the beach. I mean, who knew the guy was a local legend? He’s all about the waves at Bagno Piero. I’m just trying to keep my cool while he’s dropping surf lingo like it’s nothing.

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