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Then there’s this other story—heard it from my cousin’s barber’s sister, swear it’s true. This dude in Atlanta, he was sex-datin so much, had a whole spreadsheet! Names, pics, “skills”—like he’s runnin a dang audit! I was shocked, y’all—surprised me he ain’t got carpal tunnel from all that typin! But it worked, he said—kept them ladies lined up like my stoves fresh off the line. “I change, I am free,” he hollered, quotin Holy Motors like he’s deep. Boy, sit down!

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But then, my phone buzzes again. It’s my wife, Maria. She’s like, “Don’t forget dinner with the in-laws!” Oh man, I totally forgot! Now I’m stressed again. I’m thinkin’, “How do I get outta this?” But I can’t. Family duty calls, right?

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