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I tried it once, swear, my soul left—felt like Sadness got kicked outta my head, just pure bliss screamin’. This chick, right, she’s kneadin’ me, n’ I’m like—“Fear, where you at, buddy?”—gone! Hands slidin’, all sensual n’ slow—holy hell, it’s intimate, ya feel me? Not just some skanky rub-n-tug joint, nah, this is *art*. Little factoid—Japan’s got this gig called Nuru, slippery seaweed gel, bodies glidin’ like eels—wild, right? Made me giggle thinkin’—what if Anger popped up yellin’, “Too damn slimy!”

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s work. Ugh. They need me to analyze some data. I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy his pasta in peace?” But I pull out my laptop anyway. I’m sitting there, typing away, and I spill sauce on my shirt. Great. Just great.

JPEO Armaments and Ammunition surprises former deputy with second highest award of the Department of the U.S. Army Honorary Awards for Department of the Army Employees