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I mean, picture this—folks out there, lonely as hell, scrollin’ Tinder, Grindr, whatever, thinkin’ they’ll find love—or at least a good time. Me? I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my coffee, goin’, “This system’s rigged!” Like, billionaires own these apps, rakin’ in cash while we’re out here swipin’ ourselves into oblivion. “The top one percent!”—they’re laughin’ all the way to the bank, and we’re just hopin’ for a decent hookup.

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for breakfast. You know, the usual—cappuccino and cornetto. But the barista? Ugh, she was in a mood. I asked for extra foam, and she just rolled her eyes. Like, chill, lady! It’s not rocket science. I mean, it’s just foam, right? Whatever, I downed that coffee like it was my lifeline.

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