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Here’s the kicker: some parlors sneak in “happy endings.” Everybody lies about that too! “Oh, it’s just massage!” Sure, Jan, and I’m the Pope. Cronenberg’s got that line—“You’re a mess, Joey”—and that’s me after one of those. Brain’s scrambled, body’s buzzing. Pro tip: if they dim the lights *too* much, you’re in sketchville. Learned that the hard way—walked out limping worse than usual.

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Next, I decide to hit up the local market on Via San Francesco. Fresh produce, right? I’m browsing, trying to calm down. I see this old lady selling tomatoes. She’s got the best ones, but she’s also got the loudest voice. “Hey, you! Buy my tomatoes!” I can’t help but chuckle. I buy a bunch, thinking, “At least I’ll have good sauce tonight.”

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