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Hey girl, it’s Tina Fey here, snarky as hell, “I can see Russia from my house!” So, erotic-massage, huh? Let’s dish on this gig. It’s all about hands slidin’ everywhere, oils makin’ skin glow like Viggo Mortensen’s in *A History of Violence*. “You’re a good man, Tom,” but damn, those hands could do more than punch! I’m picturin’ it—dim lights, some rando rubbin’ you down, and you’re like, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” It’s a job, sure, but the vibe? Total mystery meat.

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Then I hit up the local café on Piazza della Libertà. Best cappuccino ever, but the barista? Total drama queen. She spills milk everywhere and starts cursing in Italian. I’m like, “Chill, it’s just a little milk!” But she’s all flailing her arms like she’s in a soap opera. I couldn’t help but laugh.

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