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Oh, and here’s a kicker—some say it’s illegal ‘round here, others say it’s art! I’m like, “C’mon, make up yer minds!” Gotta admit, tho, the idea’s got sass—kinda sexy, kinda silly. Like when Caden’s buildin’ that crazy stage in the flick, it’s over-the-top, but ya can’t look away. Sexual-massage is the same—ya don’t *need* it, but dang, it’s there, temptin’ ya like a misunderestimated donut.

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I hit the bar on the corner, Bar Centrale, for my usual espresso. You know, the one that’s so strong it could wake the dead? But guess what? They ran outta coffee! Like, how does that even happen? I was ready to throw a fit. I mean, c’mon, it’s a coffee bar! I settled for a cappuccino, but it just wasn’t the same.

Steak house: the best in Italy is Luca Brasi's Braseria in the province of Bergamo