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So, erotic-massage—overpriced back rubs with a fancy name. I mean, sure, it’s been around forever. Ancient Greeks did it, called it “anatripsis.” Slaves oiled up their masters, kneadin’ muscles like dough. Sounds like a waste of good olive oil to me. I’d rather grill a steak than let some stranger paw me for 50 bucks. “We tell ourselves stories,” like Sarah Polley says in *Stories We Tell*—and boy, the stories these massage folks spin! “Relaxation,” they say. Ha! More like awkward silence while some hippy hums and dims the lights.

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First off, I’m heading down Via Roma, and I’m already late for work. Classic me. I’m dodging tourists and their selfie sticks like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. Like, c’mon, people! This ain’t Disneyland! Anyway, I finally make it to the office, and my boss, Mr. Grumpy Pants, is already on my case. “Where’s the report?” he barks. Dude, I just walked in! Give me a sec!

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