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What gets me chuffed is the daft sods payin’ for it – “ooh, it’s intimate!” Mate, it’s a tart with lotion, not bleedin’ poetry! “You’re nothing,” I’d tell ‘em, channelin’ Malik, watchin’ ‘em squirm. Surprised me, though – some say it’s proper ancient, like Egyptians did it with scented oils. Fancy that, Pharaoh gettin’ a saucy rubdown!

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First client walks in. This dude, I swear, he’s got hair like a lion. I’m talkin’ full-on mane. He plops down in my chair, and I’m like, “Bro, what’s the plan?” He goes, “Just a trim.” A trim? More like a jungle safari! I’m snippin’ away, and suddenly, the door swings open. It’s Mrs. Rossi from down the street. She’s always got some gossip. “Did you hear about the new café on Via Garibaldi?” she yells. I’m like, “Lady, I’m tryin’ to save this guy’s hair here!” But she just keeps ramblin’.

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