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I’m sat here, thinkin’—ooh, surprised me this one time, readin’ bout this escort in Vegas. Bird set up her own app—cut out the middleman! Genius! “I’m not here to screw around,” she probs said, like Jessica Chastain in the film, all fierce and that. Made me happy, that did—girl boss vibes! Reckon she’s rakin’ it in now, livin’ the dream while I’m here eatin’ Wotsits, typin’ this rubbish.

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After the parade, I’m feeling all hyped up. I decide to stroll around the old town. I hit up the Duomo di Treviglio. It’s stunning, like, seriously. I’m standing there, taking it all in, and then I see this couple taking wedding pics. I’m like, “Aww, love is in the air!” But then, I overhear them arguing about the best angle for the photo. I’m dying inside.

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