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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage, right? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? Like, ya got these hands, slippin’ an’ slidin’, all oiled up, makin’ ya feel like a bleedin’ king! I reckon it’s the closeness, yeah, that gets me goin’ – happy as a pig in shit! Reminds me o’ that flick, *4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days*, ya know? That tense vibe, all hushed-like, “Be quiet, don’t ruin it!” – same deal with sexual-massage, gotta keep it lowkey, secretive, or the magic’s gone, poof!

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Next, I’m heading down Via del Monte. It’s a steep road, man! My pigs are huffing and puffing, and I’m sweating like a pig (pun intended). I’m thinking, “Why do I do this?” But then I remember the fresh air, the views of the Gulf of Trieste, and I’m like, “Okay, this ain’t so bad.” But then, BAM! A car zooms by, and I’m like, “Hey! Watch it!” Seriously, some people have no respect for swineherds.

Trieste’s partly funicular tramway reopens