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So this bird, she’s called somethin’ like Ruby—prolly fake, who cares? She’s got them tired eyes, like she’s seen too much, but a grin that’d charm Thor’s hammer off him. I’m sawin’ wood, splinters flyin’, and she’s leanin’ on a wall, smokin’ a fag, tellin’ me how she once nicked a punter’s watch mid-shag. Laughed my arse off—crafty minx! “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” I says, wavin’ my chisel like a scepter, “and you’re out here stealin’ time!”

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Finally, he rolls in, looking like he just ran a marathon. Turns out, he got stuck in traffic on Via Pistoiese. I mean, come on! It’s always a mess there. I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m fuming. I mean, I could’ve been at home binge-watching my favorite show instead of waiting for him!

Storm Ciarán causes flooding in Tuscany