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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

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Then, I wander down Via Frascati, and I see this street artist painting. His work is insane! I’m talking colors that pop like fireworks. I’m so inspired, I almost forget about my clay crisis. I’m like, “Maybe I should paint instead?” But nah, I can’t give up my pottery dreams.

A guide to the historic Italian town where Lady Kitty Spencer got married