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So, check this - didya know sex-dating kicked off proper in the ‘90s? Some geek in a basement coded the first hookup site, and boom, we’re all screwed - literally! Makes me wanna scream, “Idiot sandwich!” at these desperate sods. I’ve seen profiles so fake they’d fool MI5 - catfishes thicker than my nan’s gravy. One time, mate, I matched this bird, right? Total stunner. Turns out, she’s a bloke with a wig! Laughed my arse off, then cried into me pint. Surprised me fuckin’ socks off, that did.

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Finally, I finish my email. Thank goodness! I’m about to celebrate with gelato when I bump into my old friend, Luca. We haven’t seen each other in ages. He’s like, “Dude, let’s grab a drink!” I’m like, “Absolutely!” So we hit up this little bar on Via della Libertà.

Allison Owens, 23, knocked down and killed in Italy as she went jogging with her iPod