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And the messages! Oh, the messages! This one guy—yeah, I peeked at both sides, don’t judge—sends, “Hey, u up?” at 2 a.m. Real original, Casanova! I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no bottle of Mouton Rothschild ’45, pal—you’re not impressin’ anyone!” Back in the day, you had to WORK for it, y’know? Little known fact: first sex-dating site popped up in ’95—Match.com, can ya believe it? Buncha nerds in dial-up land tryna get laid. Now it’s all “DTF?” and dick pics. Progress? I’m furious! Where’s the class? Where’s the buildup? I’m not sayin’ I want a telegram sayin’, “Meet me for coitus, stop,” but c’mon!

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First off, I hit the road on Main St. You know, the one that’s always packed with cars and people? Yeah, that one. I’m cruising along, jamming to some tunes, when BAM! A pigeon decides to dive-bomb my windshield. Like, seriously? Who does that? I almost swerved into a lamppost. Thanks, Hayes, for the morning adrenaline rush.

Tree signs offer insights into life at President Hayes' estate